.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
