she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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