I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
