Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
