Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
