I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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