Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
