words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
