my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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