so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You were trust falling into bushes
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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