If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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