i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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