Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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