Three words: puerto rican gang bang
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
