She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
