first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
