The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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