i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
