Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
