I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just forgot I was standing up.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
