Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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