i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
