im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize