Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
