I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
