I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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