She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just had sex on a roof
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
