my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
