Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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