my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
