I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
