I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
