she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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