I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
