My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
