she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
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