My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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