im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
