I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
