This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
