i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
