I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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