My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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