Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
