Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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