I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
