Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you win again, gameday.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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