and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
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its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
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Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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