You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
