I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
