She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
