the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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