i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
