I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
