3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
