Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
